Say what you want about the Air Force being a bunch of pussies or whatever,
but for my money shit doesn't get a whole lot more badass than the A-10 Thunderbolt
II "Warthog"!
The thing is a goddamned flying tank from Hell, equipped with a
badass 30mm Avenger Gatling gun the likes of which would make the Terminator
soil his extra-tight leather pants. The Avenger (even the name is badass)
fires armor-piercing rounds at a rate of 74 per socond which are capable
of tearing gigantic sucking flesh wounds in even the most formidable Soviet-built,
Commie bastard, battle tank. It can also fire High Explosive Incendarary
rounds (HEI), at the rate 0f 4,600 per minute when it needs to blast the shit
out of less heavily-armored crap like trucks, artillery, APCs, SUVs, hang
gliders and renegade hot dog stands. The A-10 does carry a mix of these two
rounds in what's called a "combat mix" by the "brass" but, is just known as
a "party mix" to the pilots and maintainers. With this mix the A-10 can fuck-up
anything it comes across on the battlefield.
If that doesn't float your boat, the thing's also equipped with enough
explosives to blast the Moon into about eight billion tiny inedible cheese
wheels. It's got a crapload of super-accurate laser-guided air-to-ground
missiles and various other high-yield bombs for taking out bunkers, SAM emplacements,
radar sites, grounded fighters and soft targets like people. it also has air-to-air
missiles in case they need to show some dumb-ass enemy jets what it's like
to be on the receiving end of some good old-fashioned red-white-and blue
American Grade-A, top-choice beef sirloin, whup-ass. It's also so heavily
armored that it can withstand direct hits from armor-piercing and high-explosive
projectiles up to 37mm in size. It can survive having a 2002 VW Beetle launched
at it at extremely high velocity by a Russian-made Volkswagen Cannon, and
has heat-shielded engines (and sundry other countermeasures) so no Commie
Nazi Terrorist Unitarian bastards can jam a heat-seeking missile up it's
ass.
The A-10 is like the grizzled old-school Linebacker of the United States
Air Force. It's not flashy, it's not super-fast, it's not going to do like
twenty barrel rolls just to try and prove to you how huge it's cock is...
it just shows up, fucks everyone's shit up, and goes home. Even it's name
is a good indicator of the fact that this plane doesn't fuck around. Think
of it this way, while all those other hotshot fancy-pants jets are out there
flying around doing fruity-ass loop-de-loops. Feathering their hair and listening
to "Danger Zone" with pretentious fucking extravagant nicknames like "Eagle",
"Falcon", "Tomcat", and "Raptor", the A-10 is the fucking Warthog. Have
you ever seen a warthog before? They ain't pretty but, they are damn sure
mean sons-a-bitches.
This is not a graceful or elegant creature. It's a fucking angry pig that
roots around in shit all day and gores lesser creatures to death with it's
giant goddamned awkward tusks. That's like the A-10. It's not designed to
get out there like a purebred poodle and perform fucking air shows at the
Eukanuba Nationals, it's designed to fly out, support the infantry, go toe-to-toe
with a company of badass tanks and jack their shit up like a AAA tow truck
driver on an emergency service call.
Here's another piece of evidence. You know how a lot of those bomber jocks
or whatever used to paint all those tawdry tight sweater-wearing pin-up chicks
and stuff on the side of their planes? Well this is what Warthog pilots
put on their aircraft:
That's right: A mother-effin MEAN FACE. The point is that it LOOKS PISSED
OFF and it has a HUGE FUCKING GUN sticking out of it's mouth. Who needs
some doe-eyed tart hootchie smiling like a dumbass and leisurely reclining
on the side of a plane when you can adorn it with an intimidating toothy
grin? On the side of the plane is a list of fucking kills. That's what this
A-10 shit is all about - any jackass can get out there and dogfight at Mach
10 with a bunch of 1980s-era MiG-29s yelling, "I GOT A BOGEY ON MY SIX I
CAN'T SHAKE HIM! ROGER THAT TEN NINER YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN ANY TIME!" -
the real badass planes are the ones swooping in 100 feet above the ground
laying fiery death down on a vast array of front-line enemy troops and launching
missiles shaped like those giant oversized boxing gloves from the cartoons
which give enemy commanders the middle finger before punching them in the
balls, and then detonating with enough force to create a volcanic eruption
on Mars.
The A-10 rocks. In terms of getting down-and-dirty, it's like a women's
competitive mudwrestling champion among beauty queens. It doesn't have the
flair and panache of the more metrosexual Air Force jets, but it's tough,
deadly, ugly, deceptively maneuverable, and can take more punishment than
an entire farm full of disobedient donkeys. It's a highly-efficient tank-killer,
its minimal takeoff and landing requirements make it able to function effectively
even on the front lines, and it can hold its own on attack and support missions.
More than once it's bailed out U.S. troops who were pinned down by an ambush.
It's quick turning radius actually allows it to strafe a stationary target
twice in under eight seconds.
Probably the most telling indicator of the Warthog's ultimate badassitude
come from it's numbers when we were fucking up the Iraqi Republican Guard
in 1991. During Desert Storm, A-10s flew 8,100 sorties, with a mission capable
rate of 95.7%. They were credited with killing 987 tanks, 926 artillery pieces,
1,106 trucks, 51 SCUD missile launchers, and a shitload of support vehicles
and bunkers. I mean, holy shit, those hotshot flyboy prissy fighter pilots
get a goddamned medal, a bj from a supermodel, and the rank of "Flying Ace"
after only five fucking kills! These Desert Storm A-10 pilots were racking
up those kinds of numbers on their bathroom breaks. When it comes to no-bullshit
death from above badassitude, the A-10 Warthog is where it's at. Background
The first production A-10A was delivered to Davis-Monthan Air Force Base,
Ariz., in October 1975. It was designed specially for the close air support
mission and had the ability to combine large military loads, long loiter
and wide combat radius, which proved to be vital assets to the United States
and its allies during Operation Desert Storm and Operation Noble Anvil.
The upgraded A-10C reached initial operation capability in September
2007. Specifically designed for close air support, its combination of large
and varied ordnance load, long loiter time, accurate weapons delivery, austere
field capability, and survivability has proven invaluable to the United States
and its allies. The aircraft has participated in operations Desert Storm,
Southern Watch, Provide Comfort, Desert Fox, Noble Anvil, Deny Flight, Deliberate
Guard, Allied Force, Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom..
General Characteristics Primary Function: A-10 -- close air support, OA-10 -
airborne forward air control Contractor: Fairchild Republic Co. Power Plant: Two General Electric TF34-GE-100 turbofans Thrust: 9,065 pounds each engine Wingspan: 57 feet, 6 inches (17.42 meters)
Length: 53 feet, 4 inches (16.16 meters) Height: 14 feet, 8 inches (4.42 meters) Weight: 29,000 pounds (13,154 kilograms) Maximum Takeoff Weight: 51,000 pounds (22,950 kilograms)
Fuel Capacity: 11,000 pounds (7,257 kilograms) Payload: 16,000 pounds (7,257 kilograms) Speed: 420 miles per hour (Mach 0.56) Range: 800 miles (695 nautical miles) Ceiling: 45,000 feet (13,636 meters) Armament: One 30 mm GAU-8/A seven-barrel Gatling gun;
up to 16,000 pounds (7,200 kilograms) of mixed ordnance on eight under-wing
and three under-fuselage pylon stations, including 500 pound (225 kilograms)
Mk-82 and 2,000 pounds (900 kilograms) Mk-84 series low/high drag bombs,
incendiary cluster bombs, combined effects munitions, mine dispensing munitions,
AGM-65 Maverick missiles and laser-guided/electro-optically guided bombs;
infrared countermeasure flares; electronic countermeasure chaff; jammer pods;
2.75-inch (6.99 centimeters) rockets; illumination flares and AIM-9 Sidewinder
missiles. Crew: One Unit Cost: Not available Initial operating capability: A-10A, 1977; A-10C,
2007 Inventory: Active force, A-10, 143 and OA-10, 70; Reserve,
A-10, 46 and OA-10, 6; ANG, A-10, 84 and OA-10, 18
Printable Fact Sheet
